癌バトルに孤独を感じたときに読もう Never let "loneliness" get to you in your long, cancer battle journey.

ガンバトルは、孤独。一人で乗り切ろうと思ってはいけない、といろんな方に声をかけていただいた。人に頼るのが下手な私だから、最近見つけた英語の教訓が、心に響いた。ガンと闘いながら孤独を感じている人のために、また自分の覚書のためにも、以下の引用を日本語に翻訳しておこう。私の感情も少し入っているから少し意訳になっているところもあり、です。

I found a great list of do's and don'ts for those who fight in cancer battles. Things can be tough, and quite often lonely in a journey of cancer battle. I have decided to translate these beautiful quotes into Japanese so that some Japanese cancer patients can also benefit and hopefully the list can lift them up a bit on some rough days.

Do’s (こうやって生きていこう）

• Forgive anyone who disappoints you.
あなたを落ち込ませる（言葉を吐いたり行動をする）人に寛容になろう。

• Form a team of friends, family, fellow cancer survivors, healthcare professionals, a support group, your spiritual community, and your partner to share your life with you, as they are able, while you live with cancer.
友人、家族、癌に苦しむ仲間、医療専門家、サポートをしてくれるグループ、精神的な心の支えとなるコミュニティ、あなたのパートナー・・・癌と共に生きる限り、できる範囲いいからあなたの人生を、この人たちと共有してゆこう。

• Keep as many familiar people in your life as possible, even if they don’t understand what you’re going through.
仲間をたくさん作っておこう。たとえ、あなたの苦悩が相手にわかってもらえていなくてもいいから。

• Find outlets to share your journey with others.
あなたが体験している癌ジャーニーを共有できる手段を見つけよう。

Don’ts（これは避けよう）

• Don’t kick anyone out of your life for the sole reason that they didn’t give you the understanding or support you needed.
あなたのことを理解してくれない人、こうしてほしいという思いを叶えてくれない人や場合もある。でもそれだけの理由でこの人たちをあなたの人生から遮断するのはやめておこう。

• Don’t expect anyone who hasn’t lived with cancer to understand your experiences.
癌を患ったことのない人にあなたのバトルを理解してもらおうとは思わないで。

• Coping with cancer can challenge you for years or decades. Don’t expect folks to stay on your team through the entire journey.
癌バトルは長期戦。何年、何十年も続くこともある。癌ジャーニーにずっと家族がお付き合いしてくれる、という期待はしないでおこう。

• Don’t give up seeking support, understanding, and encouragement.
あなたをサポート、理解、奨励してくれる人たちは必ずいるから、あきらめないで。ずっと探し続けていこう。

（From: https://prostatecancernewstoday.com/2017/09/22/cancer-survivorship-becomes-lonely-reasons-why/）

長生きすることが幸せ？ What makes you happy?

ガンを患うと同時に、今後の人生、あと何年あるんだろう、と考え始めた。それは決して人生が短くなることへの悲壮感からくる思いじゃなくて、人生計画を立てる上で、あと何年ぐらいあって、そこで何ができるのか、という疑問。

40代の私。今やこの世代の女性なら95歳ぐらいまでは生きるといわれている。その数字に沿って、私はこれまで人生計画を立てようとしてたんだけど、このガンの宣告を受けてみて、あ、もしかして、私にはあと10，20年程度もあるかないか、かもしれない、と初めて気づいた。90歳まで生きれるものだと、思い込んでいた自分の傲慢さにもあきれた。

人生残された時間が少なければ、タイムラインが見えてくる。あと10年として、私に出来ることは？って考えるようになった。私の人生の一番のミッションは、子供たちが幸せな人生を歩めるようにサポートしていくこと。自分の置かれた状況で幸せを感じ、社会のどこかで貢献のできて喜びを得られる仕事を持ち、楽しみや悲しみを共有できる友人や家族に囲まれて暮らす。それが幸せの根底。そのことを子供たちに教えてあげたい。

今週は子供たちの料理の取り組みと中間試験がメインイベント。先日、すんごくしんどかった夜、私はご飯を作るのを放棄。長男はカツオを使って醤油風味パスタ、次男はツナ・トーストサンドを作っていた。（やるやん！）中間試験は、子供と一緒に山カンを働かせ、ここがきっと出るよ、と集中勉強した。

こんな小さなことを子供たちと一緒にしてやることが、忙しすぎて今までできなかった。またこんな小さなことが、実はとても幸せな気分を味合わせてくれることにも気づいていなかった。

毎日の「生きていく」ことを子供達と楽しみたい。それが子供たちの幸せの基盤となってくれることを願って。

Ever since I became a single parent 4 years ago, all that preoccupied my mind was my uncertain future, esp. about finance and my children. I worried, worried, and worried.

While I still worry, with the diagnosis of NET cancer, now I think I have more positive and proactive perspectives. One of my major mind shifts was that I now have set my life end at 60-65, whereas before, I used to assume I would live up to 95! There is no way we would find out how long we have left to live, but with NET cancer, I suppose my life span may possibly be much shorter than many Japanese would have. And if that is the case I am ok with that. Really.

Once I have made peace with that, all of a sudden, my focus has shifted from "financial shortage" to "quality of life in shorter period". How much can I do while I am still here on earth? What can I do to make difference to the society, people around me, esp. my precious children? And of all the things I want to accomplish, now my primary focus is my children - what can I teach them to become an adult who can lead happy life with great job that they enjoy, surrounded by friends and family they love.

At the end of the day, we do not need a lot to be happy. Little simple stuff is sometimes enough to make your day, like your friends happy moment to share, short trip to explore the area you have not been to, or catch a beautiful sunset from your office window. As long as you have an open mind to enjoy and appreciate what you have, then you know you can lead a happy life. At least that is so for me, and I want my kids to know that.

Kids copy. They may not listen to their parents, more so if they are teenage like mine! But they sure do copy what parents do. So I need to set an example for them to show how I lead happy life, even if it may be short. So this is my main focus in life.

子供たちへの最後のレッスンは？ What do you teach your son if today was your last day?

子供たちは中間試験が迫っている。が、焦りが全然見えない。で、かあちゃんのほうが焦っている！

特に次男は天然のADHDで、勉強なんてなーんちゃないらしく、さっきも静かだと思ったら、部屋でゲームしてたらしい。信じられへーん。

他人さまの子なら笑えることも、我が子となると、ことが違う。特に私がこの子に何かを教えてあげらえる時間に限りがあるとしたら、という思いがあればなおさら。

今の私にできることはなんなんだろう、そう思いながらいつも子供たちの顔を見ている。

Kids will have mid-term exams in a couple of days. Yikes. But they seem to think otherwise, esp. my younger one - the one with ADHD. The closest description I can give him would be "a man from mars". Not that kind he cant understand women (well, maybe that too),  but rather, he speaks and behaves just like ones from another planet. Needless to say, where he came from does not have a pressure of school exams!

Do I need to press him to study harder? Do I convince him how important that he works hard at this point of his life? Do I sit down right next to him for hours going through his messy copies of school work and figure out what he is supposed to study for his exams?

Been there, done that. And none of those worked. And plus I suck at all of the above. And when I do these, I have a mixed bag of feelings - from anger and frustration to desperation and worries.

The worry part has not changed before and after the diagnosis of my NET cancer, but I think I can say that I look at this challenge of school work from different perspectives - what can I do now so he won't suffer when I am gone?

I suppose I could say that he needs to be trained to study/work independently, or to have better organizing skills. Not necessarily scoring better at school exams, because we all know school grades really do not add up much when you leave school. But what we sure do need is survival skills and strategies to live in complicated fast-speed society. That is complicated skills to teach, and it takes a whole human life to learn/teach it. As far as I am concerned, there is now a new unknown factor, which is no one knows how much longer I will be around. So I might as well put my head down and teach him all those survival skills while we are still together.

Easier said than done. And my worry still remains the same - with or without my NET cancer and/or my son's ADHD. Welcome to the parenting club.