子供たちは中間試験が迫っている。が、焦りが全然見えない。で、かあちゃんのほうが焦っている！
特に次男は天然のADHDで、勉強なんてなーんちゃないらしく、さっきも静かだと思ったら、部屋でゲームしてたらしい。信じられへーん。
他人さまの子なら笑えることも、我が子となると、ことが違う。特に私がこの子に何かを教えてあげらえる時間に限りがあるとしたら、という思いがあればなおさら。
今の私にできることはなんなんだろう、そう思いながらいつも子供たちの顔を見ている。
Kids will have mid-term exams in a couple of days. Yikes. But they seem to think otherwise, esp. my younger one - the one with ADHD. The closest description I can give him would be "a man from mars". Not that kind he cant understand women (well, maybe that too), but rather, he speaks and behaves just like ones from another planet. Needless to say, where he came from does not have a pressure of school exams!
Do I need to press him to study harder? Do I convince him how important that he works hard at this point of his life? Do I sit down right next to him for hours going through his messy copies of school work and figure out what he is supposed to study for his exams?
Been there, done that. And none of those worked. And plus I suck at all of the above. And when I do these, I have a mixed bag of feelings - from anger and frustration to desperation and worries.
The worry part has not changed before and after the diagnosis of my NET cancer, but I think I can say that I look at this challenge of school work from different perspectives - what can I do now so he won't suffer when I am gone?
I suppose I could say that he needs to be trained to study/work independently, or to have better organizing skills. Not necessarily scoring better at school exams, because we all know school grades really do not add up much when you leave school. But what we sure do need is survival skills and strategies to live in complicated fast-speed society. That is complicated skills to teach, and it takes a whole human life to learn/teach it. As far as I am concerned, there is now a new unknown factor, which is no one knows how much longer I will be around. So I might as well put my head down and teach him all those survival skills while we are still together.
Easier said than done. And my worry still remains the same - with or without my NET cancer and/or my son's ADHD. Welcome to the parenting club.
2017-09-26
胃とストレスを写真にしてみると Do you really look after yourself?
昨日はスーパーウーマン的に忙しい日。それもガンを抱えたスーパーウーマン、って意味でね。
午前は術後5週間めの胃カメラ、午後は鍼灸施術。夜は英語教室。10時ごろ帰ってきたら、午前中のカメラのときに飲んだ鎮静剤がまだ体内に残っていて、体がふらふらだった。でも子供は言いたいことがたくさんあるらしく、その話し相手をしていたら、地球が回っていたよ。
胃カメラは良好。傷もきれい。我ながらよく頑張った5週間だったと思う（多少暴食もしたけど、それは先生には内緒）。でもA型胃炎の生々しい胃の荒れ具合をカラー写真で見せてくれた先生。記念に持って帰りなさいと言われた日には、携帯のバックグランドにしようかと思った。こういうものでも見ていないと、がん患者だという自覚がない私。
この胃の荒れ具合を見て、私は自分に優しくないんだなと反省した。胃はこんなに苦しんでいるのに、その痛みや叫びを無視して、ストレスや暴食を抱えて生活をおし進めてた。私の胃ちゃん、かわいそうすぎる。
なんでもっと自分をいたわってあげなかったのか。その理由はほかに気になることがありすぎたから、というおざなりの理由しか見つからない。離婚で大変な思いをしたから、子供たちを食べさせていくのは私しかいないから、仕事で依頼があったらできるときにやっておかなければいけないから・・・。理由はいっぱい。でもどの理由も自分で作った口実に過ぎず、最終的にはどれも私のチョイス。仕事を減らし、金銭的な工夫をし、子供にお金では与えてあげられない「時間」を共有することで、プライベートとプロフェッショナルな部分のバランスを取ることもできたはず。でもしなかった、それが私のチョイスであり、またその結果がこの胃に出ているのかな、と。
まあ先天的なものもあるだろうから、一概にはいえないにせよ、私自身の管理がきちんとできていないかった、この５年、いやもしかしたら一生かな、その時間を反省する機会となりました。
自分をいたわろう、そんなメッセージはネットや本でいやというほど聞くものの、実践ができていなかった私。自分を大事にすることが、長期的には、子供たちや私が大切に思っているものに対する一番の思いやりでもあるのだと、いまさらながら気づきました。人生48年目にしてようやく学んだ私。おそすぎー。
I had a super busy day yesterday. Started with a endoscopy session at the hospital, followed by a acupuncture session, and finished by an English teaching class (I travel on a ferry to a small island and teach English to locals).
My doctor gave me a copy of photos of my stomach. The scar looks just fine but upper area of my stomach is full of "puss" looking white stuff. It is caused by A-CAG (type A-chronic atrophic gastritis), which is the root of my problem for NET cancer. It was not a pretty site at all, and I was astonished how awful I look inside.
Of all the reasons I can think of for what triggered this NET cancer, one thing I can say is that stomach issue is very heavily related to stress, and I sure did go through some stressful time for the last few years. Divorce, coming back to Japan to start solo with my two children, who are not native to Japanese society, job searching in almost a foreign country to me, who was away from Japan for over 2 decades... all was hard. Really hard. Yet all I had said when I was going through rough patches was "I am not working hard enough" or "everyone else manages and I am so wimp if I can handle this". What I did not know was that all these messages were actually killing me, or my stomach to be precise.
What dawned on me, while I was looking at these photos of my ugly stomach, was that
It is a fact that I still need to work. I still have two beautiful children to raise solo. I cannot afford to focus all my energy to my cancer treatment right now. I will somehow have to manage to juggle all on my plate. But I must look after myself. That simple message has so much more meaning to me now. And I have to do so, not just for me but also for by most precious children. Without my wellbeing, the kids won't be looked after well!
How on earth have I missed such an important message in life so long? Duh!
午前は術後5週間めの胃カメラ、午後は鍼灸施術。夜は英語教室。10時ごろ帰ってきたら、午前中のカメラのときに飲んだ鎮静剤がまだ体内に残っていて、体がふらふらだった。でも子供は言いたいことがたくさんあるらしく、その話し相手をしていたら、地球が回っていたよ。
胃カメラは良好。傷もきれい。我ながらよく頑張った5週間だったと思う（多少暴食もしたけど、それは先生には内緒）。でもA型胃炎の生々しい胃の荒れ具合をカラー写真で見せてくれた先生。記念に持って帰りなさいと言われた日には、携帯のバックグランドにしようかと思った。こういうものでも見ていないと、がん患者だという自覚がない私。
この胃の荒れ具合を見て、私は自分に優しくないんだなと反省した。胃はこんなに苦しんでいるのに、その痛みや叫びを無視して、ストレスや暴食を抱えて生活をおし進めてた。私の胃ちゃん、かわいそうすぎる。
なんでもっと自分をいたわってあげなかったのか。その理由はほかに気になることがありすぎたから、というおざなりの理由しか見つからない。離婚で大変な思いをしたから、子供たちを食べさせていくのは私しかいないから、仕事で依頼があったらできるときにやっておかなければいけないから・・・。理由はいっぱい。でもどの理由も自分で作った口実に過ぎず、最終的にはどれも私のチョイス。仕事を減らし、金銭的な工夫をし、子供にお金では与えてあげられない「時間」を共有することで、プライベートとプロフェッショナルな部分のバランスを取ることもできたはず。でもしなかった、それが私のチョイスであり、またその結果がこの胃に出ているのかな、と。
まあ先天的なものもあるだろうから、一概にはいえないにせよ、私自身の管理がきちんとできていないかった、この５年、いやもしかしたら一生かな、その時間を反省する機会となりました。
自分をいたわろう、そんなメッセージはネットや本でいやというほど聞くものの、実践ができていなかった私。自分を大事にすることが、長期的には、子供たちや私が大切に思っているものに対する一番の思いやりでもあるのだと、いまさらながら気づきました。人生48年目にしてようやく学んだ私。おそすぎー。
I had a super busy day yesterday. Started with a endoscopy session at the hospital, followed by a acupuncture session, and finished by an English teaching class (I travel on a ferry to a small island and teach English to locals).
My doctor gave me a copy of photos of my stomach. The scar looks just fine but upper area of my stomach is full of "puss" looking white stuff. It is caused by A-CAG (type A-chronic atrophic gastritis), which is the root of my problem for NET cancer. It was not a pretty site at all, and I was astonished how awful I look inside.
Of all the reasons I can think of for what triggered this NET cancer, one thing I can say is that stomach issue is very heavily related to stress, and I sure did go through some stressful time for the last few years. Divorce, coming back to Japan to start solo with my two children, who are not native to Japanese society, job searching in almost a foreign country to me, who was away from Japan for over 2 decades... all was hard. Really hard. Yet all I had said when I was going through rough patches was "I am not working hard enough" or "everyone else manages and I am so wimp if I can handle this". What I did not know was that all these messages were actually killing me, or my stomach to be precise.
What dawned on me, while I was looking at these photos of my ugly stomach, was that
I must look after myself.Simple as that. I must listen to my body, I must really see where my mind and body are. All these simple things were not even on my plate. I was rather busy to gather myself to live along with my children in Japan as a new "immigrant".
It is a fact that I still need to work. I still have two beautiful children to raise solo. I cannot afford to focus all my energy to my cancer treatment right now. I will somehow have to manage to juggle all on my plate. But I must look after myself. That simple message has so much more meaning to me now. And I have to do so, not just for me but also for by most precious children. Without my wellbeing, the kids won't be looked after well!
How on earth have I missed such an important message in life so long? Duh!
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